Fixate

fix·ate

Pronounced: /ˈfɪkˌseɪt/

Function: verb

Meaning: to look at or think about something constantly: to give all of your attention to something

 

So in a nutshell that pretty much sums me up the past week and I do not like it. Fixate on what you ask?? Hmm……That’s easy because it’s the same topic(s) as before, however a little more intense. Against my own advice I am totally over analyzing stuff that I have zero control over and said I wouldn’t analyze.

 

I would guess alot of this has to do with running. I have about an hour every day, six days a week where my mind is totally numb and I’m isolated from life’s usual distractions. With the exception of music and focusing on my pace, there’s nothing there. Not sure if that is good or bad. It could be that my play list and route may be the trigger for a lot of this process. I may try running without music to see if that helps, but more than likely it will be worse. 

 

I ran at the gym last night without issue for almost 90 minutes. That is my longest run to date. The distractions that running indoors at the gym provides are somewhat unique and incredible although it can totally overwhelm one’s senses. Sure beats the miserable suffering I have encountered in the past!

 

Thinking

Lately I have been thinking, apparently the music and singing isn’t distraction enough while I run. Thinking about things that I said I wouldn’t think about. Thinking about where this is going and knowing that where it’s going is not the direction I want or need to be headed in. Thinking that in some respects it’s too late to put the cat back into the bag, or un-spill the milk- know what I mean??

 

So I’m standing there looking around Saturday morning at all the possibilities yet all I could think was that even the “good ones” are probably freaks. Yeah, I know- that’s disturbing. So many options and not a clue which direction to go or where to start! You might think that’s a good problem to have but it’s not. From one extreme to another in no time huh?

 

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am too quick to judge a book by the cover?? Seems that once I am a few chapters in it isn’t what the “Cliff Notes” said it was. Or maybe it’s my interpretation or expectations that are askew? I don’t know but I am growing tired of the game. On the other hand being with someone you know isn’t “right’ is just wrong.

Hit

So I got hit with a pretty heavy situation on Saturday. I’ll spare the details but let’s just say that life went from “Sunny and 80” to “Blizzard of 77’” in a matter of minutes. It’s an analogy and has nothing to do with weather or temperature. An incredibly scary situation that takes me back and really puts life into perspective. It was a long weekend and thank God everything turned out fine! We make some minor adjustments and keep the train moving forward, but this time hope to keep it on the tracks.

 

To relieve a little stress on Monday night I suffered another six. On longer runs I like to sing, and therefore my mind wanders in all sorts of directions. I am still trying to make sense of a few things and tie up some loose ends, but my gut reaction stands in all cases.

 

 I know the direction I am currently headed in is a dead end, but I’m going there rather willingly. See, I lived on a dead end for almost ten years both literally and figuratively, and there were some good times on that road. Unfortunately (fortunately?) I ran out of road and was forced in another direction and so far it’s been incredible.

 

Yeah, this one’s got a limited lifespan and I know that going in. The other night Kenny put it into terms which made sense. He said “Dude, it’s like the rodeo- you gotta be there for the whole 8 seconds to win!” It sounds easy- but it’s not.  And that right there is the point- I’m not sure I can stay that long!

 

So- hammer down, full speed ahead with the destination being that 8 second buzzer!

 

Running

Because I can… that’s why!

 

I started running about a month ago, and I hate it. While it’s a great workout, and allows me to condense the equivalent of a 2 hour training ride into about 35 minutes- it’s not at all enjoyable and I think they are lying about “runners high” and being “in the zone”… it simply does not exist for me like it does on the bike.

 

So I have a couple 5k’s down with what I am told is “great” results- paced 8 minute miles. This coming from folks who run alot, and somehow enjoy it. (liars…) The social scene for running is vastly different from cycling as there are post race parties with several hundred people and BEER!! Which brings me to this piece of advice I received someplace along the line “Like minded people doing like minded things” Hmm, makes total sense now.

 

So I was out last night for a longer run, I was running and thinking (and singing but that’s another story). I found at times I could just plow along and run comfortably with my thoughts and the music. At other times it was complete  miserable suffering- almost intolerable at times. But you have to admit it looks pretty damn good- no??

 

I crushed 6 miles at a smokin 7:30ish pace (45:11 overall). The most  intolerable suffering was in the last mile; but all the while I had the biggest smile on my face and the best ever Foo’s song on my Ipod.

 

Living well is absolutely the best revenge, don’t ya think?

 

 

The Big Show

Saturday August 8^th marked the largest cycling event of my career- The Rochester Twilight Criterium. This is a full closed course city Criterium with Mavic neutral wheel support, UCI judges and technical referees on motorcycles and up to 30,000 fans. WOW is all I can say- what an event!! Outstanding weather and brand new Team Wachovia Cycling kits topped off what was to be an exciting weekend.

 

As usual I raced in the Cat.5 race which was combined with the 14-16 juniors for a field of about 45 riders. The juniors were held back 30 seconds and the remaining pack was pretty tight averaging high twenties right out of the gate. About lap six Brian B looks back and says “let’s go”, obviously he thought I was Brian R. as I was coming off a week of food poisoning I had no intention of breaking at all let alone that early. Brian was committed and I went with him. He led out and off the front for about two minutes and I followed up and put in my best effort for what seemed like an eternity until the train came roaring by and left me for dead!

 

I rode the remainder of the race off the back with some others who got dropped and at this point while working together with these guys decided to heed the advice I had been given all day “ride smart”, which means hanging out third wheel. Too little too late, but it was a blast none the less! Thanks to Andy and the Wachovia crew for the post race beverages and catering, the whole event was first class.

 

 

 

Me, suffering

Criterium Racing

For the second time in my life I raced a Criterium. This time the results were far better, because I actually finished. This Criterium thing is interesting, think NASCAR on bicycles. Our field the “B” riders had about 25 racers which ranged from seasoned vets to first timers all of which are Cat.4 and Cat.5 riders. Wisely the promoters took time to explain the process, and put a couple veteran “A” racers (Cat.1, 2, 3) in the mix to direct the action. What was supposed to be 20 laps of the half mile square loop turned into an excess of 35 laps, which wasn’t announced. This because by the time we all got rolling and into what resembled a pace line a dozen laps had clicked by so the promoter wisely added laps so everyone could gain racing experience. I rode in the top ten for the first twenty laps and felt pretty good. It’s amazing the concentration it takes to maintain speed while nailing all four corners lap after lap after lap- it looks easy, but it’s not. Around lap 23 or so the top 15 or so riders organized, formed a tighter line and dropped the hammer. They quickly opened up a gap on the remaining riders, which isn’t what I needed at that point. I held on to finish without any issues so all in all I call it a success.

The Best

I’ve been listening to alot of The Foo Fighters live CD “Skin and Bones”. By far my favorite track is “Best of You” it’s pretty powerful stuff. I thought the meaning of this song was pretty clear the moment I first heard it and then realized I was somewhat wrong.

 

It’s not a breakup song; rather about getting used or abused by anyone you have ever put trust in.  Growing weary of repeatedly being let down and hurt in life. Having to get over it and start fresh time and again.  A basic expression of the pains of being let down and not having the balls to stand up to people.

 

Moving on in a situation where you’ve become close to someone- be it relationship, friendship, business, love, whatever. The feelings you have about someone being “gone & onto someone new” and who is now getting the best of that person, whatever the interpretation you choose- positive or negative. Thoughts that hold you back and repress you but not necessarily surrounding the loss of love.

 

It’s refusal to be taken advantage of by anything that’s bigger than you, a song about resistance and strength.  It’s fight in the face of whatever adversity you may be facing at the time, or at least that’s my opinion.

 

It’s an awesome song to sing (out loud) on the bike with your best angry Dave Grohl voice, especially in traffic!

 

 

The Art of Racing in the Rain

 

I bet you thought this was going to be a pearl of wisdom with a connection to bike or car racing? Nope, it’s about the book I just got done reading “The Art of Racing in the Rain” by Garth Stein. The book is written from the perspective of the main character’s dog “Enzo” and his observations of life and the situation as it unfolds. In order not to spoil it- all I will say is that it’s an easy read a great story.

 

I was on the bike for a couple hours last night thinking about the story and what the main character “Denny” goes through. Funny where your mind wanders to when all you have to think about is suffering for a couple hours. With that I have a new perspective on some of the things that are happening in my life. These are things that I have been over thinking, things I have little to no control over. This is something I need to remind myself of regularly. Lately I have been trying harder to make things happen, but apparently it’s simply not the right time. Some higher power has seen to it that I need wait a little longer. In the mean time I will keep having a kick ass time living the dream and working to put my life in place taking one small step at a time toward the ultimate goal.

 

I need to be patient and instead of trying to force things take a step back and wait for things to come at the proper time. I believe the word I’m looking for is finesse, thus the correlation to Racing in the Rain. It’s OK to pressure a little, to drop a wheel off the tarmac and take chances occasionally but you better be prepared to get punted on your ass because quite simply it IS going to happen.

 

It’s a fine line balancing risk and just trying to power your way into or through something. You just can’t run WFO all the time! That’s something which has become really clear to me in the past few weeks.

Balance

 

It’s taken me almost 4 years to find my center and re-ground myself. It’s been a long and trying time, with very extreme highs and lows. There were times when I was a complete asshole- especially to people I love, I regret only that. I can’t say with certainty that I have or will ever completely recover from what happened.

 

Yeah- that’s unsettling when I read it however:

 

I’m an incredibly strong person because of it.

I’m absolutely certain about who I am and what I want from life.

I know what and who real friends are.

Most importantly I found direction.

 

 

 

I will find the courage to permanently put that on my body as a symbol of what I have been through with no explanation to anyone ever required.

 

For the first time in 13 years I experience glimpses of things that have been missing for a long long time. I can say without reservation this is a positive for me. Am I scared? Holy shit yes! The outcome of playing in traffic is getting hit, I openly accept that risk. I’m not waiting, but should you ever be inclined to give this a go I welcome your call.

 

 

Welcome

Welcome to WordPress, I have decided to continue here as my previous blog was less than reliable and inaccessable to some. You can still get the “old stuff” where it was for now, but it will no longer be updated. I may bring some of the old stuff over at some point, but for now I’ll keep it fresh.